"You can't effectively help others when you refuse to deal with your own stuff."
For a really long time I completely disagreed with that statement. Rather, my life actions did. I would argue, if I had been fully conscious of what I was doing, that leaving yourself out of it completely and seeing others for exactly who they are is what makes help EFFECTIVE....because it's not about you, it's about them!
But not acknowledging that ignoring or telling yourself that you don't have biases because you don't want to judge, doesn't make them less present. It makes you invalidate yourself. It makes you say I am a blank space open and accepting, but not allowing myself to feel as I want to. This has been the phase I've been in for a while. Not sure how to come out of it. Because I thought it was based on all the right things, on being a good person.
I don't feel bad that my first husband cheated because, well, it was his issue. I know that I tried and tried, and felt bad for a really long time because what was wrong with me? What did/didn't I do? Why wasn't I enough? The beauty of perspective came after I allowed myself to not be angry anymore. To just admit that we weren't a good match. My "over-wifing" and accomodating made it easy for him to not value me. He didn't need to, I didn't require him to demonstrate that. If you don't have to take care of something, make an effort to take care of it, to preserve it's value, you end up making it valueless. Like the mint car you drive off the lot, pristine, low miles, stop maintenance, keep running it until it's out of gas and it won't keep running. The neglect will take it's toll. That's me. Is there glory in that role? No. Not a bit. I'm not a car, I had a choice. I could have slapped him upside the head at the first instance of neglect, but I didn't
Yet, I repeated the same thing in my next marriage. Except I slapped him upside the head when the issue was my children. I still never advocated for myself. I went to the movies alone, waiting until I was climbing the walls and HAD to do something. People thought I was a single mom. In my mind I said, I don't want to nag. I don't want to be that wife. I don't want him doing something unless it's genuine. I wanted to be wanted. Same situation though. Totally different people. Who's the common denominator there? Me.
So, I'm in school, doing my thing. Being me, preparing being insightful, about everyone but me. My instructor points it out. What about you? I don't know. What about me? Am I issue less? No, but I am always trying to understand things so that I can grow. So I deal with things and move on. Move on how. Well, understand that things happen. I don't want to feel bad, I don't want to burden anyone with my shit. When I try they generally don't understand anyway. I don't want to talk about myself. I don't want to have issues. I don't want to be a part of anyones life that doesn't appreciate or see me for who I am anymore. But I won't judge. I don't want to be bitter. Let bygones be bygones. To each their own....except to me.
I don't want anything from anyone except what they willingly give. I do want to be seen. I do want to be loved and appreciated and touched and cherished. But I don't think it's possible. If you give yourself completely everytime you give yourself, and you still aren't seen, GENUINELY seen, and you still feel invisible? The reinforced message is that you are. People don't see me. They feel my interest in them, and that endears me to them. I'm there fully for all of them. The fact that they seek me out, even just for me to give my attention fully to them, is what I take as flattery. I get nothing in return. It's not a valuable exchange. They still don't see me for anything beyond what I give them.
I'd love to be the kind of person that someone could see completely. I think I am a beautiful person. But I think I'm the only person who sees that most of the time. I'm genuine. I'm naive because I choose not to focus on the negative. I choose to love unconditionally. I choose to give my all to everyone. But where am I? What do I want? I don't fucking know.
All I know is I don't want what I was raised with. That you never do anything proactive: just complain, that you always be the better person, that you never give yourself credit, it all goes to God, that sex is a bad thing. I could start there. I want to be proactive. I want to make my life everything it can be. That I don't want to always be the one driving force in making things better. I want to be proud of myself for what I accomplish. And I want to have all encompassing meaningful passionate sex in my life. I don't want it to be casual, I want it to be genuine though. I want to love someone and be loved in return. I also don't want to believe that exists, because my heart is broken. No, not just my heart, my whole self. I'm broken. So broken. I give myself to not feel alone. I feel so alone. I feel so misunderstood all the time. Insightful about life, and place value on everyone elses life. Yet not on my own.
How can I expect anyone to value something that hasn't ever been valued? It's really fear. I want to do certain things, but then I don't because I am afraid that's what a valueless person does. When things go wrong I use it to reinforce my thought that it was crazy for me to think they wouldn't.....what like I matter? Like things shouldn't go wrong for me?
I would never embrace the idea of being a victim. I know I'm strong. I'm strong because I vicimize myself all the time. I don't acknowledge myself. I told my husband 9 months ago that I wanted a divorce, took me years to get to that decision. Yet here I am allowing him to drag his feet, allowing him to take his time. Don't want to make things difficult for him! When I feel like I die inside everyday I have to live disengenuously like this.
